Slacker!

I know I've been so horrible about updating this... Where in the world did the month of October go?! Holy moly!

Most of October was spent taking care of business. My mom and I managed to move all of my stuff from the storage unit Ronnie and I shared to my very own. I got my own separate bank account. I had Ronnie start a child support allotment. Dealt with Ronnie's return to San Diego. Went to court for a status hearing on the divorce. And lots and lots of emotional stress and heartache. Not only for myself, but for my babies.

This month was also full of me taking a good look at my life and at myself as a person. I've been stuck in the "Marine Wife and Mommy" role for so long that I've lost myself some where along the way...

At first I thought it would be so easy to make the transition from married to single. Man, was I wrong. There's so much in my life that I have to work out... I THOUGHT I was ready to date again. Wrong again. Although I have met a few very interesting people along the way. Unfortunately not even a friendship really came from any of the dates I went on. I'm not really sure what I was expecting though... with me being pregnant and all. I think a couple of the guys just thought I'd be an easy lay because of that fact. I'm pregnant, not easy guys... Thanks for the free dinner though! lol. Only one of the guys I ended up going on a date with was worth any of my time. I don't see things going any where though.

So, it's the single life for me. Soon to be the life of a single mom of a 2 year old and a newborn. I'm in for one crazy year in 2009! I'm looking forward to it though. I can't wait to get all of my goals accomplished.

Speaking of 2009, yesterday I found out that Ronnie just got new orders to head to the East Coast January 15th. Yeah, right after my due date. He'll probably miss the birth of our second son. Guess it's only fair since he missed Camron's as well. It's just so depressing to think that Camron and Brayden won't grow up knowing their father. Ronnie has some ridiculous idea that they're gonna come visit him in South Carolina. He's nuts. He thinks I'm going to fly all the way across the United States so he can see them! Me and 2 VERY young boys!! Haha! Why should I put in all that effort and stress? He's the one who messed everything up! Had he not cheated on me (yet again!) it would have been the 4 of us moving there. We would have been a family like we were supposed to be. I don't feel one bit sorry for Ronnie missing out on the boys' lives. It's the boys I feel sorry for. Ronnie will just be a man they see in old pictures and who comes to visit once or twice a year. I'm not even all that convinced yet that he'll even make THAT much effort! I've known Ronnie since his first son was 10 months old. I've witnessed first hand the very little effort he's put in to keep in touch with him. And he only lives 300 miles up north! Why would it be any different with my 2 boys?

I hope he's miserable. I hope he sees what a F*** up he's been. I hope he regrets all the stupid decisions he's made in the past 6 years! I doubt it, but it'd make me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one hurting...

I'm so sick of thinking about him! I was fine when he was in Florida... He's been back for less than a week and I've had to see him several times. Now I can't stop crying and asking myself why me... Every time I see him all the hurt feelings come rushing back and I feel myself on the verge of tears. I'm so sick of crying over such a LOSER!!!

He's not worth my tears... so why won't they stop?